Where did I go? What am I thinking? An update....

Forgive me blog readers, for I have sinned. It has been 81 days since my last confession blog entry. 

Wow, almost three months have gone by in what seems like a blink of an eye!  What the heck have I been up to, you ask?  Well, I wish I could tell you that in the last (almost) three months I've lost a significant amount of weight, my job is going well, I'm meeting new people and making new friends, and have a plan in place for my move back to Colorado.  I'd really, really love to tell you all of those things, especially that last part.  However, in reality (GAH!) I'm still the same weight (huge), I lost my job, I'm lonelier than ever, and the worst part....it is going to take a freaking miracle for me to be able to move to Colorado at the end of my lease.  If I can't move back to Colorado next April, I might quite possibly die from sadness.

The job.  Oh. The. Job.  That place was awful!  Okay, the place was fine, but the doctor and his wife (quasi-office manager) were awful.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I was hired as a full-time, permanent employee pending a 90-day trial period, in which I could be let go if they thought it wasn't a good fit, and vice versa.  Apparently I wasn't a good fit, because after two months, I was let go due to my inability to "keep up with the pace of the clinic". 

Did that come across as bitter?  Because I meant it to!  I'm just a teeny, tiny bit irritated about the "training" I received (or the lack thereof) and the fact that the first time I ever got any feedback regarding my performance was when they were firing me.  Oh gosh, pardon me for not being a clairvoyant!!!  And before anyone assumes this is just another typical "I-didn't-do-anything-wrong" terminated employee rant, let me put something into perspective here.  On my first day, I was trained for a few hours then set free.  And by training, I mean, stand behind my coworker and watch while she goes about her job at warp speed.  In comparison, the new girl (who ended up being my replacement) got the luxury of having the same coworker stand behind her for a week to guide her (the new girl) through all of the clinic's front office procedures.  So am I bitter?  Hell yeah!  Did I like that job?  I really tried to, but no, I was pretty miserable.  But, it was a paycheck which I was very grateful for.  Not to mention, I tried really hard and worked hard and I still failed.  Usually when I give something my all, I do quite well, so to fail was truly a slap in the face. 

So, I'm back on the job hunt again, and as you probably guessed, it is not going well. 

Regarding being lonely....I find myself in quite a quandary as of late.  It has to do with my mother, whom I've only seen once since my wedding over seven years ago and spoken to just a few times, the last time being in 2005, I believe.  Also, my half-sister, whom I haven't seen since, gosh, sometime in 2002, I think?  My sister and I have tried communicating a few times via Myspace and Facebook.  All of those attempts resulted in complete disaster.  We've successfully been "friends" on Facebook for several months now, but with barely any interaction.  I honestly never thought I would say this, but I think I MIGHT be ready to slowly bring them back into my life again.  The thought of doing so literally terrifies me!  (I used to nearly have a panic attack at mere thought of having to speak to my mother.)  Here's where the loneliness comes in...Am I only considering doing this just because I am so desperate for companionship and/or family?  If that's the case, then no, I don't want to do it.  I'd rather be lonely than risk reopening all those emotional wounds.  I want to potentially rebuild my relationships with my mom and sister because I'm ready to and have the desire to do so.  But how do I know why I'm kind of, sort of, maybe considering reaching out to them?  And if it turns out that I do want to and am ready to, should I?  What if it's exactly like it was before?  What a HUGE disappointment that would be!

Boo hormones!

In case I haven't already made this spectacularly clear by now, I really, really, REALLY want to be a mommy someday.  But being that I'm 35 and divorced, I've realized the chances of my lifelong dream coming to fruition are slim.  Some may call that being pessimistic, I call it being realistic.  I'm not saying it won't ever happen, but I know it is unlikely.

So, in order to prevent myself from falling into a black hole of depression over it, I repress the desire.  Most of the time that works pretty well for me.  I can delight in my friends' children, squeal and coo over adorable kiddie photos that pop up in my Facebook news feed umpteen times a day, happily attend baby showers, and genuinely be excited upon news of a friend's BFP or brand new bundle of joy.  Then that time of the month before that time of month rears it's ugly head and unlocks the door to a place I keep buried very deep down inside me.

Tonight it's that time of the month.  The time before the fatigue, before the cramps start, before the Midol. 
It's like Aunt Flo's evil twin sister (if you can get more evil than Aunt Flo) arrived and waved her magic wand.  Presto, change-o!  Just like that, Wendy's been transformed from happy admirer of her friends' lovely families to sad and very envious.  Boo, stupid hormones!

I just have to get through the next week and hopefully I'll be back to my happier, less jealous self after I relock the "mommy door" and go back to repressing my baby urges.  At least until next month....

HOORAY!!!

I am finally employed again!  I was hired as a receptionist at an animal hospital (what I used to do) and start tomorrow!  Technically, there is a 90 day trial period in which either my new employer or myself can say, "Thanks, but no thanks", but hopefully I'll rock their socks and stay for a long, long time! 

I am going to be one tired woman this week.  5 AM wake-up call, ouch!

Here's to my first paycheck!  :::raises imaginary glass of bubbly:::

It's so hot in Arizona that....

• the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
• the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
• farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• the cows are giving evaporated milk.
• the trees are whistling for the dogs.
• you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
• you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• you can make instant sun tea.
• you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
• you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
• you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
• The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
• you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
• you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
• you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• hot water now comes out of both taps.
• it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
• you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
• no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
• your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
• a sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."

Ah, Arizona!

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly, " he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Arizona is hotter than Hell. "

As much as I'd like to, I can't take credit for the jokes or the poem.  I found them both when I googled "Phoenix forecast".  However, as I sit here at almost 1:30 in the morning with the temperature outside currently at 100°, I can certainly vouch for the validity of them! 
 
Once upon a time, in lands far away, I cherised my three all-too-brief glorious months of sunny, warm weather.  I longed for it the other nine months of the year while daydreaming of floating down a river, warm summer evenings, and barbeques galore!  Now?  I'm cranky, a little depressed, and CAN'T WAIT FOR WINTER! 
 
Arizona, you can take your summers and shove 'em where the sun don't shine!  Wait, on second thought, maybe you could just shove me there instead?

7 years ago today....

Seven years ago I did something that I'll probably regret for the rest of my life.  I married my XH. 

I wasted seven years (dating & marriage) with someone who didn't love me the way a husband should love his wife.  I wasted seven years with someone who said he wanted children (we even picked out names, nursery decor, and discussed how we would raise our children), but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  He talked babies with his family, with our friends, with my family....but that's all it was, just talk.  

It was all a lie, a facade.  Our marriage was a joke, except I wasn't laughing.  I had secrets to keep as early on as our honeymoon.  I kept those secrets for a very long time, all the while pretending to be a happy newlywed while I blamed myself for someone else's problems. 

For (almost) six years, I was in denial that this was my life.  That this was the state of my marriage.  I kept thinking that if I could just change, he would want me.  He would want to have children with me.  I blamed myself for everything.  For so long, I thought he was so perfect and I so unworthy to be his wife. 

Slowly, I started to break down.  Slowly, I started to lose myself.  I distanced myself emotionally and physically from my friends and family.  Eventually, I pretty much gave up on life and just started going through the motions to get through each day.  It became a huge struggle to do even the most basic things.  Eventually I didn't want to live anymore.  I wished I could disappear.  I wished that I could fall asleep and never wake up. 

I didn't want to be alive anymore because someone couldn't admit to anyone, even to himself, what he really was! 

He is out of my life now.  I am healing, slowly, but not nearly fast enough.  I feel like damaged goods.  Not that I was a perfect person to begin with...far, far from it!  But I hope beyond hope that someday, please God, someday I can become the woman I desire to be!  To live the life I long to have, which at this age, will mostly likely mean that I remain childless.  But I hope to find a way to live a fulfilling life, and learn to be happy and content, with, or probably without children.

For the most part, I'm not angry anymore.  Honestly, it depends on the time of the month.  Sorry, TMI, I know, gotta love hormones!  But SEVEN years, people, seven long, extremely lonely years!  Hopefully I'll find a way to forgive him someday, and more importantly, myself for ignoring all the red flags in first place.

What I could have done in seven years.  Who I could have met.  The children I may have had......

Happy Birthday Dexter!

Oh my gosh.  I am such a terrible furmommy!  Yesterday was Dexter's 3rd birthday and I forgot to do a blog post!  Oh well, at least we went to the dog park.  It was a muddy disaster, but they still had fun and were all tuckered out afterwards. 

So my youngest and only boy is three years old.  THREE YEARS!

He is seriously the cutest dog ever....well 1 of 2 of the cutest dogs ever.  Yeah, yeah, everyone says that about their own dogs.  Well lookie here...I have proof! 

9 weeks old & first day home.

Loved his sissy immediately.  She was not impressed.

First time Dexter discovered mud.

His infamous sad puppy face gets me everytime!

Look out!  Dexter's got the keys!

Irish Dexter

Someone's feeling smurfy!

It just doesn't get any cuter than that!

Happy birthday to my "teddy dog" (some have teddy bears, I have a teddy dog), Dexter!  I love him so much!

My last night in the house from Hell!

It's moving day tomorrow!  I still wish I was moving back to Colorado now, but I am quite anxious to get settled in my new, roommate-free apartment! 

Tonight I am finishing up packing, which always seems to feel like a never-ending task.  There's just always more stuff, ugh! 

I'm also taking advantage of having a washer and dryer in my house while I can.  (It's back to apartment building laundry room living for me.)  There's nothing like moving to force you into washing every article of clothing and linens you own!  During the course of my laundry marathon, I noticed that I currently wear a lot of greens, corals, and black.  I always seem to go through phases where I wear a lot of a certain color(s).

I'm super tired, but I must press on!