Boo hormones!

In case I haven't already made this spectacularly clear by now, I really, really, REALLY want to be a mommy someday.  But being that I'm 35 and divorced, I've realized the chances of my lifelong dream coming to fruition are slim.  Some may call that being pessimistic, I call it being realistic.  I'm not saying it won't ever happen, but I know it is unlikely.

So, in order to prevent myself from falling into a black hole of depression over it, I repress the desire.  Most of the time that works pretty well for me.  I can delight in my friends' children, squeal and coo over adorable kiddie photos that pop up in my Facebook news feed umpteen times a day, happily attend baby showers, and genuinely be excited upon news of a friend's BFP or brand new bundle of joy.  Then that time of the month before that time of month rears it's ugly head and unlocks the door to a place I keep buried very deep down inside me.

Tonight it's that time of the month.  The time before the fatigue, before the cramps start, before the Midol. 
It's like Aunt Flo's evil twin sister (if you can get more evil than Aunt Flo) arrived and waved her magic wand.  Presto, change-o!  Just like that, Wendy's been transformed from happy admirer of her friends' lovely families to sad and very envious.  Boo, stupid hormones!

I just have to get through the next week and hopefully I'll be back to my happier, less jealous self after I relock the "mommy door" and go back to repressing my baby urges.  At least until next month....

HOORAY!!!

I am finally employed again!  I was hired as a receptionist at an animal hospital (what I used to do) and start tomorrow!  Technically, there is a 90 day trial period in which either my new employer or myself can say, "Thanks, but no thanks", but hopefully I'll rock their socks and stay for a long, long time! 

I am going to be one tired woman this week.  5 AM wake-up call, ouch!

Here's to my first paycheck!  :::raises imaginary glass of bubbly:::

It's so hot in Arizona that....

• the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
• the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
• farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• the cows are giving evaporated milk.
• the trees are whistling for the dogs.
• you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
• you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• you can make instant sun tea.
• you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
• you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
• you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
• The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
• you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
• you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
• you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• hot water now comes out of both taps.
• it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
• you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
• no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
• your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
• a sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."

Ah, Arizona!

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly, " he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Arizona is hotter than Hell. "

As much as I'd like to, I can't take credit for the jokes or the poem.  I found them both when I googled "Phoenix forecast".  However, as I sit here at almost 1:30 in the morning with the temperature outside currently at 100°, I can certainly vouch for the validity of them! 
 
Once upon a time, in lands far away, I cherised my three all-too-brief glorious months of sunny, warm weather.  I longed for it the other nine months of the year while daydreaming of floating down a river, warm summer evenings, and barbeques galore!  Now?  I'm cranky, a little depressed, and CAN'T WAIT FOR WINTER! 
 
Arizona, you can take your summers and shove 'em where the sun don't shine!  Wait, on second thought, maybe you could just shove me there instead?

7 years ago today....

Seven years ago I did something that I'll probably regret for the rest of my life.  I married my XH. 

I wasted seven years (dating & marriage) with someone who didn't love me the way a husband should love his wife.  I wasted seven years with someone who said he wanted children (we even picked out names, nursery decor, and discussed how we would raise our children), but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  He talked babies with his family, with our friends, with my family....but that's all it was, just talk.  

It was all a lie, a facade.  Our marriage was a joke, except I wasn't laughing.  I had secrets to keep as early on as our honeymoon.  I kept those secrets for a very long time, all the while pretending to be a happy newlywed while I blamed myself for someone else's problems. 

For (almost) six years, I was in denial that this was my life.  That this was the state of my marriage.  I kept thinking that if I could just change, he would want me.  He would want to have children with me.  I blamed myself for everything.  For so long, I thought he was so perfect and I so unworthy to be his wife. 

Slowly, I started to break down.  Slowly, I started to lose myself.  I distanced myself emotionally and physically from my friends and family.  Eventually, I pretty much gave up on life and just started going through the motions to get through each day.  It became a huge struggle to do even the most basic things.  Eventually I didn't want to live anymore.  I wished I could disappear.  I wished that I could fall asleep and never wake up. 

I didn't want to be alive anymore because someone couldn't admit to anyone, even to himself, what he really was! 

He is out of my life now.  I am healing, slowly, but not nearly fast enough.  I feel like damaged goods.  Not that I was a perfect person to begin with...far, far from it!  But I hope beyond hope that someday, please God, someday I can become the woman I desire to be!  To live the life I long to have, which at this age, will mostly likely mean that I remain childless.  But I hope to find a way to live a fulfilling life, and learn to be happy and content, with, or probably without children.

For the most part, I'm not angry anymore.  Honestly, it depends on the time of the month.  Sorry, TMI, I know, gotta love hormones!  But SEVEN years, people, seven long, extremely lonely years!  Hopefully I'll find a way to forgive him someday, and more importantly, myself for ignoring all the red flags in first place.

What I could have done in seven years.  Who I could have met.  The children I may have had......

Happy Birthday Dexter!

Oh my gosh.  I am such a terrible furmommy!  Yesterday was Dexter's 3rd birthday and I forgot to do a blog post!  Oh well, at least we went to the dog park.  It was a muddy disaster, but they still had fun and were all tuckered out afterwards. 

So my youngest and only boy is three years old.  THREE YEARS!

He is seriously the cutest dog ever....well 1 of 2 of the cutest dogs ever.  Yeah, yeah, everyone says that about their own dogs.  Well lookie here...I have proof! 

9 weeks old & first day home.

Loved his sissy immediately.  She was not impressed.

First time Dexter discovered mud.

His infamous sad puppy face gets me everytime!

Look out!  Dexter's got the keys!

Irish Dexter

Someone's feeling smurfy!

It just doesn't get any cuter than that!

Happy birthday to my "teddy dog" (some have teddy bears, I have a teddy dog), Dexter!  I love him so much!

My last night in the house from Hell!

It's moving day tomorrow!  I still wish I was moving back to Colorado now, but I am quite anxious to get settled in my new, roommate-free apartment! 

Tonight I am finishing up packing, which always seems to feel like a never-ending task.  There's just always more stuff, ugh! 

I'm also taking advantage of having a washer and dryer in my house while I can.  (It's back to apartment building laundry room living for me.)  There's nothing like moving to force you into washing every article of clothing and linens you own!  During the course of my laundry marathon, I noticed that I currently wear a lot of greens, corals, and black.  I always seem to go through phases where I wear a lot of a certain color(s).

I'm super tired, but I must press on!

What a relief!

Things are finally starting to look up! 

With only a few days to spare, I found an apartment!  I have movers booked for Monday, so we are outta this crazy house!  No more landlord, roomie's friends, and boarders walking in to our house whenever they feel like it.  No more annoying boarders' children AND landlord peeking in my windows.  No more being kept awake by roomie and her friends until 3 A.M.  No more being kept awake and listening to roomie's dog howl and cry ALL DAY. (Seriously, today it started at 6:30 A.M. and didn't stop until she got home at almost 7 P.M.)  No more living with roomie...yippee!

I'm sure I've said this before, but she is by far the worst roommate I've ever had!  And I've had a lot of roommates!

There were a few kinks along the way of getting this apartment.  First, there was a misunderstanding regarding when I needed to move out of my current rental.  Second, the first time I visited, I could have swore the gal said there was a $300 (total) pet deposit, when in actuality it is $300/pet, for a total of $600, yikes!  (Remember, we are pretending I only have 2 dogs.)  And lastly, due to my lack of credit, they were going to charge me a $250 security deposit.  But the leasing agent emailed her boss to see if that deposit could be waived and she said yes!  Hooray!  For low income housing, they sure do charge an arm and a leg to move in!

Man, I am so looking forward to living by myself!  With the exception of approximately 6 months or so, I've always had roommates, a live-in boyfriend, or was married.  This is going to be such a great change!  Now if I can just teach Kira to not bark everytime she hears someone knocking on another apartment door, we will be set!